she and i

i hate this bitch,

not because she is talking to my man

not because she spends more time with him then I do

no because she's got anything on me

(cause she don't)

just because she get attention that I don't

she gets the words he holds back from me

she gets romantic poems in her inbox

while i get an IOU for a massage I desperately need..

I get the cold shoulder and she gets the sunshine

I get the dirty diapers and she gets the dirty thoughts

I get the dishes, the laundry, the household management, the cleaning, the errands, and the wake-up calls

she gets to know how much he misses her and the "can't wait to see you"'s

I get the feeling something is gonna go down

she gets the feelings

i get to plan the wedding

she gets to not be on the guest list...

and he doesn't get why i'm so upset... 

defeat

I wish i could be inspired the way you are to express myself in such a meaningless manner but since my words hold weight and yours don't it no longer matters what i write. 

So here's a toast to defeat, 

how sweet your victory must be.

Suck it in winner, you worked  hard for this one... 

Cause apparently I've been doing wrong by you for so long, 

it's time for me to say so long to the fight...

I'm all tired out, no more rain in this cloud...

My quest will have to be other wise satisfied with a oh well, guess i'll trudge through it...

I'll wear the fake smile, while knowing what's going on

keep your 'mistress of power'

i hope you penetrate her defenses, grant her wishes

cause what do feelings matter any way when i got a carat and a half on my finger 

all the indication i will ever need to be assured my love loves me the way i love him

Damn all actions, fuck saying words

all that true love, soulmate, forever shit is obviously for the birds...

emotions have no roles here

the play has been cast

just you and me in the starring roles

you're the one in the mask...

wtf?

i'm supposed to be over my issues of jealousy and i'm supposed to have full trust in you but i see you're still acting sneakily... texting all day to a woman you see all night while i lay by your side and i'm not allowed to read your intimate thoughts because they're not about me. I'm beginning to turn into a woman I never wanted to be. I have always trusted your word even when i wasn't your priority... And now I'm unsure again. Filled with constant doubts in my mind that bonding myself to you forever is really what I need to be doing. I admit I am insecure, I cannot handle you sneaking around with other women, I can't take you having feelings for anyone other than me. And if you want them, then have them but you can't have both especially if you're going to lie about it. 

commenting on the topic of trust...

hahahahahahahaha! how funny of you to mention that i should wait till you do something or commit to doing something... "When would I find the time to fuck her?" you ask, well when the fuck did you find time to kiss her while at work? When the fuck to you find the time to chat with her for hours at a time when you come home? When the fuck do you find time to send 4 or 5 im's a day to her? When the fuck did you fine 4 extra hours in the day to go to andy's house after work? Where do you find time to do workshops and tutor at other places? Where ever that place is that you find the time to do the extra things you want and need to do is where you will find the time to fuck that trick... Central park isn't far and there are a lot of secluded spots there at at 6:30 a.m. it is a pretty dark and deserted place. i wouldn't be suprised if you're fucking her right now during your lunch break. So keep that holier that thou bullshit... 

and as far as my affairs, which were sanctioned by you.. If you didn't want me to have them, you wouldn't have pushed leslie in my direction in the first place. You would have told me it make you uncomfortable and I would have respected your feelings just like I have been doing since the last time, which I saw got you a bit aggitated. Don't sit and act as if dating women is something I began after you. I was doing this before I met you. And certainly way before we made any commitments to each other.   

To move or not to move? That is the question....

I already know the answer. In reality, we need to move... The cozyness of our 1 bedroom has quickly dissappeared with the emergence of our son's advancements in standing/walking... What was shaping out to be a comfy place for a small family, is becoming a perpetual den of clutter. It annoys me that my son has no space to spread his toys around and proudly survey his area like at his nana's house... I'm mad that the only space he has to roam is on the bed he is determined to dive off of... 

It's upsetting that all these people on Craigslist now thing you are so stupid to believe that as NY'ers now relocated to West Africa (or London, or the like) that they don't have one single person they can trust with their apartment keys still living in the states. They don't even appear to  live in buildings with a super, landlord, or building manager... Which only leads me to think that if none of those people exist in these "fabulous" apartment they are trying to rent out, do i really want to even live there? I mean, who takes out the trash on garbage day? Who keeps the building clean? Certainly not I... Furthermore, aside from the fact that the majority of these responses are modeled exactly the same way; meaning written with horrible grammatical errors and countless spelling mistakes, none of these people can seem to answer a question if you respond to the response... So  since it looks like Craigslist is a bust on non-scammy apt ads, that only leave 2 options... Option A, a broker or option B an "apartment listings service".. Which will only cost us another $200 to $1500 depending on which option we pick...   

So it it even worth it? Sometimes I think we should just spend the moving money on a trip to home depot and DIY some major upgrades to our potential filled love nest. If I were more of a self motivated home improvement type and was willing to stay here for at least another 2 years, i would make the investment... Cause it wouldn't take much... It may be a better investment of time and energy then chasing apartment pipe dreams through the city & internet...

Man I yearn for the old days of the hook up.. If only I had a relative with a 2/3 family house that didn't hate me (not even me, my mom... even worse) so much that they're not willing to help my family out... I wish we'd never had sold grandma's house.. Cause at least then we wouldn't have to move...

on the topic of trust...

I'm not supposed to have anger toward you I guess... You don't trust me but you are the one who's flirting with women outside of us... And yes I did what i did when I did it but with your blessing i was told... So you throwing it back at me now only makes me question how much faith you truly have in us... 

I'm not supposed to be upset that this woman is asking hypothetical questions to which I cannot fathom or will I ever hear your responses... All I have to go on is the facts of the past.. That the fact remains our relations began in the same hypothetical, "I just wanna know, what if..." type of way... The facts remain that you were fully committed to another and I still wormed my way just by quenching your mental thirst... Not that you didn't love the one who came before, though you didn't love the one who came after, yet still and all every time you returned to my bed... And it all started with the hypothetical, "what if..." questions... Intrigued you followed your minds desire, and it led us here.. to three years of  what I am not to a year and a half of what I am now... So why am I not supposed to be paranoid at the possibility of persuasion... Especially knowing that you some what feel wronged for my actions which, to my understanding, were allowed? When we both know that if situations were reversed, this could not, would not continue... Yes you are promised to me, but for how long? If one knows of the disposability of their station, how can one feel secure when faced with obvious doubts... When there is another woman on the sideline cheering on your curiosity of greener pastures? And what's worse, probably entertaining the possibility of such an encounter? Cause if your willing to share someone, you're willing tempt someone away, and even worse act on that temptation should the opportunity arise...   Not to say I don't trust you, I don't trust her...  and as your wife I have every right not to until proven otherwise...  Cause she and I aren't friends like that... Yes I know who she is but we weren't homies, she's never been to my home and vise versa... We ain't never broke no green in peace nor shared a laugh over drinks, not to say we couldn't have, just to say we never had.... If I'm not mistaken it's the same thing I said to you when you cheated on your girl with me... Funny how things come full circle... So if you want me to not trust you and grow more paranoid, then please continue on your path of actions but don't try to act like I'm not allowed to feel this way... 

frustration

I loath the long sleepless nights like taking buckleys when i have a bad cold, so why is it I can't sleep now in the quiet outside my mind? It seems my mommy instinct is stronger when he is away... A few days I can take but not a few months... Yet still I am restless... The day which is log only seems longer whence alone... I guess because the tuth is I am nothing without him and that is a beast all it's own....

hmmm...

the problem is that i'm a believer in all this makeshift movie magic cookie cutter bullshit... a believer that people could one day fall in love from a glance across the room; and stay that way after the beer goggles are taken off... that compromise and communication is enough to make it work; despite the fact you are expected to have telepathy... that love is all we need; if you don't consider debt, bills, and rent... that a "woman's place" is in the home, even when it drives her crazy... that puttin' in hard work pays off; especially for those taking short cuts... that if i believe it can happen; even though it may take a lifetime... 

 but i don't wear watches...

i have no time...

so why am i waiting, or rather what?

what?

there was a time  when i thought my life to end.. i could see not tomorrow... all i saw was dark clouds blocking the sun i should have been basking in... from time to time i still feel a bit like that person dressed for a summer's day... only to walk into a rainstorm... never truly prepared for or willing to accept the obstacles thrown in my path... I have since learned to appreciate the vast blessings i have accrued... and toughened my skin to avoid infrastructural damage..  yet all precautions aside, it's still a balancing act... with a long way to fall with just one mis-step... 

i am sometimes afraid that my  genealogy  will predict the actions of my future self... that the things my mentality quips over now have already been decided for me simply by my birth... that every decision is actually just me following the outline laid ahead of me... and it's scary thinking that perhaps the road to hell  is only paved with good intentions because it's not truly my decision which way i shall go... 

so pondering the possibilities, perhaps it is all excuses of theory of one who is unsure... or it could be rational or one who is simply bipolar...

the duality of personality

It's not like I woke up one day and decided to become a mother...

never once do I remember asking the almighty to

send me a baby that I can hold, teach, and cultivate into a decent human being...

Never once do I remember him/it asking permission to allow that one in a hundred times

occurrence to result in another life...

I didn't ask for the responsibility,

I wasn't ready for the sacrifice of self... of sleep...

I never wanted the diapers, late-night wake-ups, inconvenient interruptions of QT time...

But I've never been happier to rise to the challenge...

fear

I am afraid that death is lurking in the shadows of my nights. Not that I shall fall asleep and never wake up but that some tragic end will befall me in the near future. I've been having dreary ominous dreams that leave my soul disturbed. They shake my spirit like my son shakes me in the mornings, enthusiastically waking me to reality. I may not know of what I write. I may be losing my mind.. It may be those crazy pregnancy dreams people always refer to but I've had these dreams before. I've experienced this predilection  previously in my mortality. Then I was unafraid and felt safe in the assessment that I would never be in a place where these dreams could come true but now through a higher divine will; I am. And so I am afraid, as never before... 

WOW!!

How to Start Forming Dreadlocks -- powered by ExpertVillage.com

Recently I was brushing up on dreading techniques and came across this video of how to dread one's hair. Originally I thought "how wonderful and helpful"... but then I watched it.. Turns out to be a caucasian lady instructing people on how to dread caucasian hair... LOL!! Don't get me wrong, dreads are not a hairstyle restricted to the black race/culture, I just found it amusing that the only video I found (as well as the majority of articles) were for dreading caucasian hair... WTF? Why is that? Is it just assumed that all black people know how to dread hair? Is it supposed to be some type of sixth sense with us? Being that I had dreads at one time, I should know how to begin them, but it was so long ago I can't really remember how, thus my brush-up search.  I 'm used to maintaining dreads just not beginning them. I just find it disappointing  when  I'm looking for one thing but  primarily find info that is useless... 

Wishes...

There isn't a day where I don't wish that I could take back every word that's been said and never make the same mistakes again...  I wish that I never had fell so hard for someone so different from me, I wish that I had no weaknesses so I could be the woman that you see in me... I wish I had less doubt in myself and more confidence in us... I wish I really was smarter than I pretend to be... I wish we could stop fighting... I wish I knew what the right thing to do was... I wish i still had my cell phone cause now being away from you and our son is going to kill me even more... I wish I didn't have to be away from our family... I wish we could stay together... I wish I had the balls to say all the things I write.. I wish I wasn't so afraid of being wrong than I always try so hard to be right.. I wish we don't break...

Questions for that guy we call God...

The last thing i need is someone who doesn't want nor need me in their life.. though the life we share binds us, is that reason enough to stay bound? Is an obligatory love a good enough substitute for an unconditional one? if we close our eyes tight and cross our fingers will it somehow get better or will we just continue to deny that which we refuse to look at? Is the truth what it is or what we make it? Can you build a lasting relationship out of sex? And furthermore will it be a success? If one falls into love, how does one find their way out?  And did you really fall if you're the only one in it? Is it still love then or merely an infatuation that you refuse to let go? 

" I love him but when the night is over,

I am talking to myself and not to him"

-Les Mis

torn

it's never been that i felt shut off from you..

no never that...

but the words I stuttered so many years ago, i still can't seem to mention

now that we're grown

still friends through thick, thin, and heartbreak.. and smiles

yet still the silence slices my skin when there are no more current events to speak of..

none of which i wish to speak... with you

how would i?? why should i??; put myself out there again..

would you understand, i wonder the conflict with my heart?

would you still care..

or would your defense become condemnation?

years of experiences shared, still void of critical information...

things we should know about each other...

so i wonder... is this what makes a friendship true?

perhaps it is love which bonds us...

deep and unmentionable..

never uncomfortable,

forever unconditional, love...

long ago you held me in your arms when i thought i'd never breath again

you wiped my tears, and stoked my face with a tenderness i still search for...

but your denial of affection manifests a self-loathing

that  left me longing for what only you could give...

don't get it twisted that this is me blaming you for my hang-ups

it's just the venting of longing,

i know now will never be full-filled...

till the day i can wrap my soul around your shoulders

i dedicate this to you...

i pray to the stars you never leave

and i will love you still

even if you do...

addiction?

i could very well be an addict.. to what would be the proper question to ask.... perhaps to pleasure... or to pain... the mixture of the two... a commitment to a long held belief that one can only induce the other when indulged upon...  for one in pain seeks out only pleasure yet one in pleasure attracts pain... 

goodnight...

In the beginning it was love that drew me to your constant defense... the need I had to protect that which was mine, leading me to fight battles I was ill equipped to handle myself in... I brought pens against fists, whimpers against screams, rational against addiction... Never once seeing the long game, forgetting it was chess not checkers, a pawn in your scheme; ending up captured to be traded for nothing... Growing didn't come with enlightenment in the 90's only skin and deep hate... misunderstanding + loss = rebellion... disconnection... and i run away to find myself coming right back to where it all began... a place i can never go back to, where people i love i can never get back still i day dream within the confines of my soul... Entrance into adulthood, unsure yet aware... still wanting but not needing from you or any others,  the definition of independence;  I'm a woman in my own right... so now we can be friends until you interject that you don't understand what my problem was all those years ago... and even tho i'm over it, i'll never truly be grown if i give response... so i utter, "never you mind if you don't already know, i love you mom, ttyl" 

really?

hmm. so wow this is what it's like to be happy with one's life.. 

amazing, 

likethemomenyou'reattherollercoaster'speakabout

 todrop... andtensecondslateryourstomachjoinsyourmouthinthebottomofyourlap;thenurealize,thewholetimeyouspentevjoyingtheview;youwerebeingshovedbackdowntoearth... 

thanks universe for providing me with this gift.

the joke...

so this is what happens when you base relationships on sex... only one of two things.. either you get away or get stuck on a string.. tied to a stranger.. your lover.. your friend.. the problem with putting sex first is if (when) it is good... so good ... as the waves roll through you, the ecstatic feeling that it brings with it allows your conscious mind to forget you the tide is drowning you... And I've drowned before (literally,) it was a twist of (?fate, ?destiny lol) that brought this situation to what it is now.. before what it is there was what it was;  

sex, there was no us... we didn't know each other enough to really be an us.. and not for lack of opportunity, we just didn't want to know...  bringing him in the middle of that was not going to change what it was...  thus  the situation upgraded it's self into what it is... and it's not going to change being what it is  until we stop playing games and give this thing a name... lol!

 lust or love?.. when i think of what us is, i think of it from beginning to end.. not middle to current... i can't see the gap between now and then but i know what will will become of  me (this)  ultimately... and i can see what can become of you... just not the journey we take to get there... and whether or not you are holding my hand...   is metaphorical... holding someone's hand give the intention to never let them go... so if you both have to then carry a 3rd  or 4th, or even a 5th...  through this life is easier.. becoz together we are stronger... right?...  and perhaps that's why we're not us (a we)...  you  have a tendency of repeating myself.. i think i've heard the same 1 00 or so stories 30 or so times... so when you ask me if you like repeating yourself, i just don't answer... because obviously you do...  my new word is tumultuous ...  i wanna whisper it like hummingbirds do daffodils  along with words like  tempestuous, confound, flummox, cantankerous, equanimity, quiescence, abeyance, enamored, besotted, & crapulent,.. just because... all i can think of to describe what it is now... we are an us... we're just walking up the mountain... so we're gonna struggle for a bit.. but  when we reach the peak... and really see what it is.. we'll look back on what it was an laugh..

flaws n all...

i know i am unfocused... i bite my nails.. i sometimes sing off key.. i love it when you make me laugh.. i wish you'd massage my feet... i know i hate sleeping with out you and only seeing you once a week... i know how we began an i'm  unsure where we are going... i know i'd don't want to stop cause i'm very happy not knowing... 

it's the constant discovery, uncovery of each other that keeps me here... like an onion, your whose layers i must continuously peel.. till i can get to the place where i know what you truly feel... where you can know in your heart that i am always being real.. even when i'm being a hypocrite.. even when you think i'm lying and you say you've had enough of it...

i know i'm passive-aggressive, independently co-dependent, bi-sexual, femininely masculine... i am a walking contradiction without balance without you...   

i know that i'm not perfect

nor will i ever be a woman you can love properly..

then again i also believe you may never know how to love properly, 

and it may not be about the woman that is me...

but we'll both never know if you leave..

auto-response

it became about me when we faded into obscurity, when our date nights got replaced with your work... it became about me when i no longer had a purpose outside our home.. when i realized what you were pointing at was me.. or rather my lack of, commitment & content... it became about me when i supported your nonchalance during your non employment.. it became about me when i stopped being a woman and started being a maid/cook/all-around-doormat... 

one way or another it had to become about me becoz it's always been about you... from day two... before there was an us it was always about you.. 

i've been your mistress for 3 years.. allowed to be fancy free and independent... and now as your wife i'm no longer good enough, i've completely abandoned my shield, only to stare at my reflection from  yours.. and if i ask for more, i'm asking for too much... if i change my mind, it's just foolishness, fodder and such... i never said i'm simple, nor am i complex... but you seem to always been at a point where you're searching for what's next though i take you flaws and all...

after_shock

i thought we had settled this with hisses and passion so hot it burned my soul... and i could do nothing but watch you sleep, wondering if those dreams are about me... about us did an about face so your back i watch with blurred vision... it should have been a given that sex settled nothing... words cut deep but the silences is deafening, weakening, unforgiving, and unnecessary... so i write this testament of affection hoping i will become your affliction again.. that you will follow your feelings and ambush me unexpectedly... i pray god gives me strength because i can't beat a machine.. and that ps2 is a mean B

drunkeness

apparently  loving someone is hard and not easy... the euphoric rush of blood to the head impairs judgement and motor functions you can't run or hide when the going gets tough.. all we can do is fall on our asses... we don't get tough back becoz it's hard to be tough while intoxicated... it's damn near impossible to resist temptation... but it's so damn easy to believe the hype... convince ourselves that what's good enough for some is not good enough for self... and when  the hangover sets in it's all over... 

The End of an Era

The funny thing about it is I never remembered meeting him. I don't remember the words that were spoken nor can I count how many cigarettes we actually smoked but something about that day made me never forget him. something in his ways never let me_let him_let_go... like all the other bad habits i was stuck on an icy mountain chasing a high that steadily eludes my grasp...becoz i followed the advice of the elders and jumped full speed ahead off the tallest peak!!!... into love...  letting something_someone go brings them back???. then where the FUCK is my parachute? i never asked for it to be golden, or even silver, bronze, diamond encrusted, leather, laced, with the lv, interior or any of that other dumb nigger shit... just that it would be there... in case of emergency in case there was no cushion at the end of my rainbow... just a cold hard pot of gold... 

worry and regret

worry and regret

 seem to be the last two things i still possess

what's worse is that i shouldn't 

can't figure out where i gave up at 

settled for 

mediocrity 

stopped being a woman 

in hopes of being a wife

but it's being a woman 

that caused the change in my life

a change many say was right

for me it's nothing more than

mediocrity

filled be worry and regret

for all the things i haven't done yet

memories of actions past i wish i could 

forget

the worry and regret

talking

it sounds like...
mmmmnnadaeu ..
au aaaaaooooo ah ahh aaaa
means more like
i love you mommy...
eheeeheeheee
daaa..
at 8 months it's a language...
at 8 years.. it'll be a joke...
and at 18 it'll be a distant memory....
so for now
i respond
da day dada day daaa aaaaa!
i love you too...