I used to believe his love was different from the love of everyone else in my family, that I was a special part of his life that he kept so close that he'd never forget me. It was a belief I chose for too long to believe in, despite always being proved wrong. But that is the love a daughter should hold for her father. No matter what, no matter what... But what about when you spoon feed your child pipe dreams in their greatest time of need? And when trapped in a corner, why are you not there to pull me out? Why are you no where to be found? Why do I have to track you down to remember your own grand child's birthday. An appearance would have, could have been the greatest gift from you. But you couldn't even muster that when you live less than a mile away. I ask for answers and i am met with your disapproval, as if you didn't already know i have been in a financial bind for the last year, listening to your hope and prayer cryptic jedi-like advice that everything will be okay.. that is until you get some money and forget about everyone else's problems but your own.
Growing up you always told me not to believe my mother's rantings about how stupid i was to believe in you. She'd say that my eternal hope that I held in my heart was nothing more than wasted energy because at the end of the day I'd see the truth for myself... And it breaks my heart that now I do. My family and I have been suffering for more than A YEAR! And i kept eating your sugar covered spoonfuls of shit... I've never felt more stupid. Never felt more betrayed by someone who is supposed to care. My problems are nothing new to anyone who actually pays attention when I talk to them. But you help me with one debt while turning a blind eye to the reality of my life and have nerve to get mad at me when I try to explain that I can't follow your directions to the letter because that would only perpetuate the immediate problems of no diapers and no milk and no food in my house, But I guess you forget about those things when you never made the choice to be there to begin with.
It's no wonder I chose a guy that I thought was just like you at first. Luckily for me (thank god) I was wrong. He's nothing like you. he loves me entirely. He's willing to stick it out in bad times and celebrate in good. He's there always in all ways for me and for our children. He's never left and never will as long as I'll continue to have him. And while he's done his share of fucked-up-ness over our last 6 years together, he's still here. He's never left me. Never brushed me off. Never ignored my calls, Never recieved a text and not replied. Never turned his back on us. He's a true father. Here everyday all say. And whether he had to give his last cent or last breath for our children's needs or just to see them smile he would... He is a father.. He is everything to us that you never were to me. And I'm glad that he chose me. Because he saved my life. At the end of the day, if I left it up to you I'd probably have killed myself by now.
But I am your legacy, I am to take over what ever the fuck is so important that you can't tell me anything about it, you can't teach me what I may one day be doing, and you can't help me get a job in this hypothetical empire of which i am to become queen? WTF!!! My children don't even know who you are.. And that shit is okay with you... I have to call you for a well wish on my birthday, You come to my daughter's birthday and say you're going to be around a lot more from now on but you can't even answer a text message! No Bueno. I realize what I am doing by writing this and not just calling but whatever. You have no time for me, I'll pretend not to have time for you either. I'll sit here and cry out every bit of pain. frustration, disappointment, and anger that I have for you. Because I know I'll never have the opportunity to sit down and talk to you. You can't even find 30 minutes on a regular day to sit and have lunch with me when I offer to pay for it... Shit we could go for a walk and have a hotdog in the park but you don't have that time either... Which makes me ask, how proud can you be of a daughter you know nothing about... Oh yeah, that's right we're friends on Facebook, so clearly we're tight like that...
Acting Schmacting?....
12 years ago
