Wishes...

There isn't a day where I don't wish that I could take back every word that's been said and never make the same mistakes again...  I wish that I never had fell so hard for someone so different from me, I wish that I had no weaknesses so I could be the woman that you see in me... I wish I had less doubt in myself and more confidence in us... I wish I really was smarter than I pretend to be... I wish we could stop fighting... I wish I knew what the right thing to do was... I wish i still had my cell phone cause now being away from you and our son is going to kill me even more... I wish I didn't have to be away from our family... I wish we could stay together... I wish I had the balls to say all the things I write.. I wish I wasn't so afraid of being wrong than I always try so hard to be right.. I wish we don't break...

Questions for that guy we call God...

The last thing i need is someone who doesn't want nor need me in their life.. though the life we share binds us, is that reason enough to stay bound? Is an obligatory love a good enough substitute for an unconditional one? if we close our eyes tight and cross our fingers will it somehow get better or will we just continue to deny that which we refuse to look at? Is the truth what it is or what we make it? Can you build a lasting relationship out of sex? And furthermore will it be a success? If one falls into love, how does one find their way out?  And did you really fall if you're the only one in it? Is it still love then or merely an infatuation that you refuse to let go? 

" I love him but when the night is over,

I am talking to myself and not to him"

-Les Mis

torn

it's never been that i felt shut off from you..

no never that...

but the words I stuttered so many years ago, i still can't seem to mention

now that we're grown

still friends through thick, thin, and heartbreak.. and smiles

yet still the silence slices my skin when there are no more current events to speak of..

none of which i wish to speak... with you

how would i?? why should i??; put myself out there again..

would you understand, i wonder the conflict with my heart?

would you still care..

or would your defense become condemnation?

years of experiences shared, still void of critical information...

things we should know about each other...

so i wonder... is this what makes a friendship true?

perhaps it is love which bonds us...

deep and unmentionable..

never uncomfortable,

forever unconditional, love...

long ago you held me in your arms when i thought i'd never breath again

you wiped my tears, and stoked my face with a tenderness i still search for...

but your denial of affection manifests a self-loathing

that  left me longing for what only you could give...

don't get it twisted that this is me blaming you for my hang-ups

it's just the venting of longing,

i know now will never be full-filled...

till the day i can wrap my soul around your shoulders

i dedicate this to you...

i pray to the stars you never leave

and i will love you still

even if you do...

addiction?

i could very well be an addict.. to what would be the proper question to ask.... perhaps to pleasure... or to pain... the mixture of the two... a commitment to a long held belief that one can only induce the other when indulged upon...  for one in pain seeks out only pleasure yet one in pleasure attracts pain... 

goodnight...

In the beginning it was love that drew me to your constant defense... the need I had to protect that which was mine, leading me to fight battles I was ill equipped to handle myself in... I brought pens against fists, whimpers against screams, rational against addiction... Never once seeing the long game, forgetting it was chess not checkers, a pawn in your scheme; ending up captured to be traded for nothing... Growing didn't come with enlightenment in the 90's only skin and deep hate... misunderstanding + loss = rebellion... disconnection... and i run away to find myself coming right back to where it all began... a place i can never go back to, where people i love i can never get back still i day dream within the confines of my soul... Entrance into adulthood, unsure yet aware... still wanting but not needing from you or any others,  the definition of independence;  I'm a woman in my own right... so now we can be friends until you interject that you don't understand what my problem was all those years ago... and even tho i'm over it, i'll never truly be grown if i give response... so i utter, "never you mind if you don't already know, i love you mom, ttyl" 

really?

hmm. so wow this is what it's like to be happy with one's life.. 

amazing, 

likethemomenyou'reattherollercoaster'speakabout

 todrop... andtensecondslateryourstomachjoinsyourmouthinthebottomofyourlap;thenurealize,thewholetimeyouspentevjoyingtheview;youwerebeingshovedbackdowntoearth... 

thanks universe for providing me with this gift.

the joke...

so this is what happens when you base relationships on sex... only one of two things.. either you get away or get stuck on a string.. tied to a stranger.. your lover.. your friend.. the problem with putting sex first is if (when) it is good... so good ... as the waves roll through you, the ecstatic feeling that it brings with it allows your conscious mind to forget you the tide is drowning you... And I've drowned before (literally,) it was a twist of (?fate, ?destiny lol) that brought this situation to what it is now.. before what it is there was what it was;  

sex, there was no us... we didn't know each other enough to really be an us.. and not for lack of opportunity, we just didn't want to know...  bringing him in the middle of that was not going to change what it was...  thus  the situation upgraded it's self into what it is... and it's not going to change being what it is  until we stop playing games and give this thing a name... lol!

 lust or love?.. when i think of what us is, i think of it from beginning to end.. not middle to current... i can't see the gap between now and then but i know what will will become of  me (this)  ultimately... and i can see what can become of you... just not the journey we take to get there... and whether or not you are holding my hand...   is metaphorical... holding someone's hand give the intention to never let them go... so if you both have to then carry a 3rd  or 4th, or even a 5th...  through this life is easier.. becoz together we are stronger... right?...  and perhaps that's why we're not us (a we)...  you  have a tendency of repeating myself.. i think i've heard the same 1 00 or so stories 30 or so times... so when you ask me if you like repeating yourself, i just don't answer... because obviously you do...  my new word is tumultuous ...  i wanna whisper it like hummingbirds do daffodils  along with words like  tempestuous, confound, flummox, cantankerous, equanimity, quiescence, abeyance, enamored, besotted, & crapulent,.. just because... all i can think of to describe what it is now... we are an us... we're just walking up the mountain... so we're gonna struggle for a bit.. but  when we reach the peak... and really see what it is.. we'll look back on what it was an laugh..

flaws n all...

i know i am unfocused... i bite my nails.. i sometimes sing off key.. i love it when you make me laugh.. i wish you'd massage my feet... i know i hate sleeping with out you and only seeing you once a week... i know how we began an i'm  unsure where we are going... i know i'd don't want to stop cause i'm very happy not knowing... 

it's the constant discovery, uncovery of each other that keeps me here... like an onion, your whose layers i must continuously peel.. till i can get to the place where i know what you truly feel... where you can know in your heart that i am always being real.. even when i'm being a hypocrite.. even when you think i'm lying and you say you've had enough of it...

i know i'm passive-aggressive, independently co-dependent, bi-sexual, femininely masculine... i am a walking contradiction without balance without you...   

i know that i'm not perfect

nor will i ever be a woman you can love properly..

then again i also believe you may never know how to love properly, 

and it may not be about the woman that is me...

but we'll both never know if you leave..

auto-response

it became about me when we faded into obscurity, when our date nights got replaced with your work... it became about me when i no longer had a purpose outside our home.. when i realized what you were pointing at was me.. or rather my lack of, commitment & content... it became about me when i supported your nonchalance during your non employment.. it became about me when i stopped being a woman and started being a maid/cook/all-around-doormat... 

one way or another it had to become about me becoz it's always been about you... from day two... before there was an us it was always about you.. 

i've been your mistress for 3 years.. allowed to be fancy free and independent... and now as your wife i'm no longer good enough, i've completely abandoned my shield, only to stare at my reflection from  yours.. and if i ask for more, i'm asking for too much... if i change my mind, it's just foolishness, fodder and such... i never said i'm simple, nor am i complex... but you seem to always been at a point where you're searching for what's next though i take you flaws and all...