No One to Blame

At this point it's no longer about who's right and who's wrong.. Who did what is irrelevant as well.. Because at the end of the day we are now responsible for two beautiful souls... A situation we got ourselves into by not admitting truths to each other and ourselves... And even now a week before making this commitment concrete, you still won't or can't or just don't admit to the truth of the matter... So here I write my truth on this page, where no one else matters too much.. No one's opinions of me, or you or us is anywhere into consideration... As far as I'm concerned at this point they can all go fuck themselves... and you too for that matter if you also agree with the popular thought of this woman whom you chose to make your "wife"...
I have loved you longer and harder and deeper than any person before in my life... I gave you time I didn't always have to give.. I gave you children, I didn't think I would ever bare.. Even now with my confusion of thoughts on how I do or don't feel about there being an us I am doing my best to get back to being in love with you... At the beginning, middle, and end of the day I still know you make me smile like no other.. I know the sound of your voice, even when angry sends a shutter down my spine... The anticipation of a kiss fills me with thrill of a child on Christmas Eve... What ever qualms you have had about me or with me and my ways I have always remained with the same core, you... I were always my choice.. Until two months ago, I had always kept high hopes for what you and I could be together... Yet when you shatter my world and I am slow to readjust to your new found appreciation of your family & life, I am doing it out of spite... By your own words I am doing it on purpose.. Not that I could be tired, over worked, overwhelmed, physically & emotionally exhausted, stretched beyond means mentally, emotionally, physically & financially... And yet and still after three years you don't know if your in love with a woman you can't seem to push away nor walk away from... But it's me who has to make up her mind and stop lording the past over you..
I lost my job in May of 08, And between July 08 and Jan 09, I had 5 jobs... Regardless of what they were or weren't. I had 5 jobs and turned down others that I probably should have taken.. But I never completely stopped.. I never gave up... I continued ... And now that I am finally working again... I'm still not enough... I'm still doing too little...
So what's a person to do? Argue through it and hope one day it ends? Have faith in a rocky, uncertain future with someone who is and has always been unsure about me? Your friends have no respect for me, they say I'm not in your corner... Something you believe... Not an assumption, these are your own words to me as well... So what do I do, stay silent.. Remain in control of the only thing I can control which is me and my actions...
You still to this day believe that I had a child to keep you.. As self-centered as I was when I became pregnant, you really have the ego to believe I'd have a child to keep a man.. That I would have willingly sacrificed my life at that time to dedicate it to another individual over a man I knew I was done with and was done with me... You wait two years to admit to what you wanted in the first place, and still won't admit to what you don't want in your life which is me... Everything else can stay because it's what you wanted... I understand that having a complete family along with a woman you are in love with is not what you were looking for.. But when are you going to wake up to reality and admit to the truth one way or the other.. Either I'm good enough for you or I'm not just as I am... This is not an ultimatum, just thoughts that are rumbling around in my mind after reading your convo with your friend about how you really feel... what you're really thinking... btw it's more disrespectful to yourself and to me to stay in a "relationship" that is making you unhappy then to go and be with the person you believe to really be the love of your life.. if you have those feelings for her that you can't seem to feel or find for me, then maybe that is where your heart truly lies and you need to admit it to yourself.. and then act on it... but don't keep it all to yourself, silently comparing me to her in hopes that i will one day make your heart flutter the way she did (does).. it;s not going to happen.. i will never be her... i'm not writing this to push you away, or look for a way out, I'm just trying to avoid us having more years of craziness, if there is a simpler answer... I don't want to be married to someone who is going to be unhappy with me.. nor will i join into a union with a person who's love from me is nothing more than an appreciation of the life i brought into this world, and not the life I occupy... I want my husband to not only appreciate me but to love me, to want me, to need me and know it in his heart the way i know it in mine... and if it means i have to be sad & single for a little while.. I'll be okay with that... I'd rather not bei the cause of your pain and frustration then a constant reminder of what your missing out on...

:(

this is possibly the worst I've ever felt in my adult life.. It's not the numbness, it's the utter disappointment & failure i feel in myself. That no matter what i did, no matter what I do, i am doomed to fail. And all we do is fight... And whether he and I are right or wrong, it never seems to end.. Words cut deep, even when they have no weight... Even when taken back with the sincerest of apologies, they still come from a place where roots run deep. I wish I had more assurances.. I wish I had the hope & belief I kept in me for so long.. But I don't... I am lost.. Boundless and bonded by anger at the same time... I cry when alone and scream when I'm not.. His words, shouldn't sit with me but they do. They settle on the surface along with the wikked thoughts trying to fight their way through the focus I must keep, least I fall apart. And then what good would I be to them, to him, to us? What good can one like me be to anyone.. When all I seem to do is drive people away, and destroy everything i touch.. Within 5 years Ive had 2 children, an abortion, and have become homeless twice... Which leaves me to think, it can't be everything and everyone else... When will it end. I've always known the path would be rough but this is more than I bargained for... too much more than I could have, ever did expect... What use am I to them? What can I teach them about life if I can't even provide one for them? What can I teach him about love if I can't even allow myself to forgive him? How can i be sure when there is no end to the horizon... It just keeps going and so must I and so I do.. Continuously, non stop, not knowing but giving all I have each day... Looking for what we need, looking for answers, needing something to believe in because I can no longer believe in myself...

pain

I never thought that for a 2nd time in my life I would be in pain such as this.. I've never felt my heart break as much as I have lately..
Today I started to try it.. Amidst the tears, I almost did it.. I held that knife to my wrist and pushed down, too weak to break the skin but hard enough to leave a scratch.. I felt the prick of the blades end on my flesh...
Maybe an interruption from above, I heard a cry in the dark from my precious daughter's lips and stopped..
Frightened at what her fruture could possibly hold without me.. The lies tat would be told to her about me.. the woman she may become without my guidance..
And so here I sit, face still wet with tears.. Searching for help.. for answers.. for consolation..
Maybe one day I'll get it..
Hopefully it won't be too late.

Is anybody out there?

"I may not be perfect but parts of me ARE pretty awesome" is what my favorite t-shirt reads in my least favorite color (pink)... Today (and everyday of the last year) has been a testament to that fact... Or rather to the fact that I may never get it "right" or "perfect" but I have what it takes to persevere somehow... I woke up this morning at 5am for an early morning feeding and disappointment 4 hours later when my EBT card was still empty. Six hours after that my card was still empty and I received court papers in the mail informing me that I was supposed to appear in family court at 9AM today for a child support hearing filed on my behalf by the state of NY. Reading the attached papers, I found out that my benefits (which are still missing) would be reduced as a penalty for my failure to appear. So I jump on the phone again only to be told that I have to wait till the garnish my benefits before I can receive another court date and fight them reducing my benefits. All these events happening while my newborn daughter was either crying or breastfeeding. It was somewhere around 3pm when I finally got my daughter to sleep and had a moment of silence. Somewhere in that silence I broke down and cried, i cried for what seemed like forever but was probably no longer than 30 minutes. And my luvbug awoke and I returned to my everyday cocoon of blankness and indifference. Somehow I made a dinner out of the sparceness of my cupboard.
And now the children are asleep, Luvbug us at work and I am left alone in the silence once again... And all I want to do is cry because I don't know what else to do. I have called all the charities, federal programs, social workers, relatives with money, overly generous friends, angels, and Gods that I can... And I am worn out. I never thought I'd be the woman who cries silently in the dark to avoid exposing the weight of her troubles on her family. But what else is there to do. It's like I keep running into a brick wall, hoping to knock it down somehow. Me and my 160 lbs, never once moving a single brick... And all the while my world continues to crumble around me. People keep telling me to keep my head up, keep the faith, that God will carry me cause he never puts more on me than I can bear... So where is my life saver? Where is the helping hand that will pull me out the water and onto dry land? My body is tired from treading water, who knows how much longer my stamina will hold out... So hopefully He comes soon, if He comes at all. Two weeks is all I have left before I'm homeless. Before I officially become a failure to my family despite all the effort...
I constantly thank God for the positives, like a great grandmother who alleviates the everyday stress by babysitting my son 3-4 days a week. And a man in my life, who though we may not be together, still does everything within his power to provide what he can. The gifts that were bread into me like an unstopable spirit, and strength beyond measure... but maybe that's not enough.

True Love

Encuentre los brazos que le detendrán en su más débil, los ojos que le verán en su más feo, y un corazón que le ame en su peor. Entonces usted ha encontrado amor verdadero.

pedí los ángeles una respuesta, tod yo para esperarme pacientemente pidieron los ángeles una respuesta, y entonces le enviaron tragan a mí

It's my Birthday!!!

Today (or rather yesterday, but today since I haven't gone to sleep yet) is (was) my birthday... The day in which my parents decided I was worthy enough a soul to be transitioned into life... And it was a good day.

Rest In Peace granny Vi

Before this day officially ends I want to pay tribute to a wonderful woman who spent her life guiding children, including me. My grandmother, Violet Wiltshire, was a teacher before becoming a mother and then grandmother to my brother and I. She was really more like my mother than grandma. I knew who my mom was but I had the advantage of being raised by her. Today, May 24th, is her birthday. Usually I go to the graveyard to replant the African violets I planted years ago, but this year it wasn't possible. So this year I've decided to write. I miss her so much. It always seemed that no matter what she always had all the answers to life's quandries. It saddens me that she didn't live long enough to meet any of her great-grandchildren. She would have loved them all. But when I sit with my daughter, i sense she is infused with the inner peace and suspect she will carry the grace my grandmother possessed. At least I hope she will.
Rest in peace grandma.

There can't be a testimony without a test...

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a religious person. But I am not one to deny the higher power that exists within this universe. I know it is real, because I've felt it run through me. several times in my life. This past year has been one of extreme trials, like I've never had to face before. And what I've learned is that I am still standing. I am still here, I have been blessed despite the hardships in my life. I have climbed the roadblocks that have been placed in my path. no matter how I have dealt with them, I have continued moving forward.
Next week is my 26th birthday, it marks the beginning of the second quarter of my life. I enter is bearing more responsibility than most people my age. But I feel good about it. For the first time in a long time, I've got things figured out. It is often says that with age comes wisdom. What is true is that with age comes experience and opportunity... The chance to learn from one's mistakes, to look back and understand how it is you need to move forward... That is, if you choose to learn. If you choose to declare that life will not beat you down. That the forces in this world that want to keep you down can't and won't if you can find the strength with yourself to keep going. You can't look to others for the light that shines within you because when you do, you're just standing in your own shadow...
I am blessed and I will never forget that again. Thank you God for restoring my faith.

to be continued...

I've now had time to clear my head and seek solice in the recesses of my mind. I won't say that I have not sought the advice of trusted friends,because I have, but I have also given myself time to process the week's events. For the first time in a long time I sat tonite in the darkness and silence of our home and meditated. And the result of this inner searching has me realizing how selfish we both are. One thing I know is true is that I am not as bad as you are making me out to be. I will not listen to you berate me as if I am this horrible terrible mother and you are a fantastic father because you work and I don't. I will not allow you to trivialize my feelings of being overwhelmed but our current situation as well as need to adapt so quickly to having two children. You have never in your life had nor will you ever physically give birth to a child. You have no clue what that experience does to someone mentally or physically. do you realize that since I've come home from the hospital I've only eaten 2 meals a day. That even of I wake up at 6,8 or 9 am, that I don't get to eat breakfast till almost 11 or 12? Today the first thing I ate was a pb & j around 1 when you got up. At night since bringing the baby home K'hari wakes up and begins screaming bloody murder at least 4 times a night for no other reason then because he wants attention (i guess). I've gotten maybe 4 hours of sleep the last couple days, cause f it's not k'hari; i gotta get up to feed niya. Not to mention the sore nipples, back, cramping stomach, and achy legs. Which have all gradually been getting better. Today I felt physically able to do all that I did get done today.
I don't appreciate you bringing my father into the conversation. You have no idea how I grew up. He did exactly what it is you want to do to your children. He stayed away because of whatever reasons. And he sent money, I'd see him maybe three times a year tops. I would talk to him on the phone every once in a while, but there were so many days that I would wait in the window because he said he was coming. All I ever wished as a child was that he would be there like a real father should. That he would be sitting in the audience at my plays, and there to sing happy birthday to me when i blew out the candles on my cake. All I'm saying is that there is no tie frame for the prospect of me moving to Vegas with one or both of the children. So it's very possible that 2 years turns into 10 or never... And while that seems like an okay situation to you, I know that it's not. I know what will come from that type of relationship with your kids. no mater what type of technology you have, cause it's doubtful I'll have anything for a while, it will not help to strengthen the connection between you and them. I'm sorry that you didn't grow up with a father, but you're lucky cause it's worse to know who he is but never see him. To always feel rejected by the person who made you.
You've said for so long that you wanted to leave, and it's about getting away from me and not them, go ahead and get away from me. I told you before and I'll tell you again, I'm not going anywhere.. I'll be right here. If you choose to walk away then walk away. It'll hurt and I'll hurt but I'll get over it. I'm a big girl... Just like you're a man who can make any decision you see fit when you see fit. So make the best decision for you.

No.. unanimously and unequivocally no. I will not accept that from you. I will not accept that you have been planning on putting me in this position since you decided i would make an adequate 2nd choice... You want me to hate you, then sir you are (and for some time have been) successful in your choice. I don't need you to stir up my anger in order for me to put myself into the mindset you think I need to be in. Your so fucking stupid if you think I can maintain that mind state because of outside motivation. That is the person that I am. I can and will do that myself. If you are so adamant about following up on what I'm researching during my time online and how I'm planning my days, then maybe you should also notice how many applications I've been filling out online for the last three weeks. Notice how many resumes I've been sending out. I'm ready to go hard, I know what I need to do and I am doing it. You want me to not snoop, then don't talk about me like I'm shit to other women, especially women that you send notes to inviting them to come over so you can taste them. I didn't go looking for that text message that you sent to her, I read it on mother's day as apart of the response chain after I sent her a Happy Mother's day salutation and she replied. When I went to use the computer the day you were talking to her, you left the chat window open, so I read it. I copied your convo with her to remind me that you are shit if you can talk about me like that with all that I do for you on a daily basis. Not only you but for this family. And now you write me this shit about how your dying and you think you'll be dead by 40. If you really wanna see your children grow then be apart of their lives. Stop sitting on the sidelines feeling sorry for your situation. There are many many many people living with diabetes and have it even worse than you, and live way past 40. i've known people in my lifetime who have live into their 60's and beyond because they chose to live and took proper care of themselves. Yes you have diabetes but you are not dead nor will you die tomorrow. And you need to stop crying wolf. If you didn't want me to have these feelings for you and get over a relationship with you, you should have just told me to have an abortion when I got pregnant with K'hari. Then at least I could have moved on without having to see your face everyday in their faces. But the minute you chose to stand up and allowed me to see that you can be the man I deserve in my life, that is worthy of being the father of my children, I've seen it in you, I've seen you do it.. It broke me and I will never get over it. I will never see past you. And that is your fault. I can hate you to the bottom recesses of my soul but I will never choose to walk away from you. You're right in some of what you say, I have momentary lapses of judgement. And I have been allowing you to steal my energy for way too long, only because I want you to stop making all these self-serving excuses for yourself and be the man I know you are. Be apart of this family. spend time with your kids. You say I nag you too much about doing things around the house but do you realize how simple these things I ask of you are? I just mean like your lack of noticing (or caring) when the garbage is overflowing, if I ask you to take it down you'll actually tell me you have no time to drop a bag of garbage over the side of the stairs. The light bulb in the bedroom has been blown out for almost 2 months, the lightbulb in the livingroom for a week, and it took my best friend to do change the bulb for me, when I've asked you for so long to change them. Were you waiting for me to climb up on a stool at 8/9 months pregnant to change it myself? When have you ever spent time with K'hari outside this house or that of your grandmother's? You have been off the night before many a beautiful day and yet you don't feel the need or want to spend time with your son ever.. All you do is sleep.. All the time. And I know I don't have a job but had you been awake some times in the last couple months, you would have noticed how tough this pregnancy has been on me physically. You of all people know how just being in the hospital takes a physical strain on your body. So I find it laughable that you can't understand how I'm still in physical pain as my body tries to re-cooperate after pushing out a 7lbs baby. You think I don't worry about you or how we're gonna make these bills or how we're gonna eat some days? You think I don't want to spend time with our son more. be more physically active with this ever growing child? I didn't sign up to bear your children to raise them alone. To not have someone be apart of it. I never would have had your children NEVER if I knew that 2 years in you would be so focused on your mortality that you are willing to leave. You talk to Joia, Nicole, Tiara, Alena, nana, EVERYBODY BUT ME.. By the time your true thoughts and feelings get to me it's either in a rage or a writing rant. So why should you share yourself with someone who you don't feel connected to? You have nerve underestimating your worth and trying to justify it to me. You get mad, you shut the world out. I have never neglected our son because I'm mad at you. I have never said fuck it, I'm not gonna cook today because I'm mad at you. You think my fixation on the state of our relationship i all about how you feel towards me.. it's not because when things are good between us, you are communicative and interact with K'hari in such a loving way. But if things are bad between us the he doesn't even exist to you. so maybe it's you who needs to get over our relationship. You feel the need to move out and move on then go. I would have already started going on interviews and physically going to fill out applications but I can't trust you to be left alone with one kid let alone 2. Once you're asleep, or rather you don't sleep, you slip into a coma... shit when I was going hsrd at Barneys there were too many days I came home to our son passed out in his high chair sticky from covering himself in juice and in a shitty or piss soaked diaper. How can I allow that to happen with both children? Yes I know that is a past example but even now you don't even flinch at the sound of K'hari's screaming or Nyia's crying. You barely wake up when it's time to go to work. So how can I not worry that once I do find a job, you can be trusted? period...
I'm so tired of being by your side doing right by you, trying to keep up, trying to prove myself by giving the totality of myself to this family. I'm so tired of fighting and thinking that maybe you'll care about someone other than yourself. I'm so tired of you manipulating my mind because you don't see who and what i am. I'm a damn good woman, who deserves so much more than what you are willing to give at this point. You're not even thirty and you've already given up on your life. I think about dying but I still never give up. Which is more than I can say for you. You say I'm weak because I stay safe, well I say that you're weak for constantly attending this 1 man pity party in your head and expecting someone to co-sign that bullshit. Why would you do this to someone you claim to love? Why would you do this to yourself?
That day that I came home and saw you laying on the couch, all I could do was pray you didn't die. the look in your eyes in the hospital that day made me think that maybe you really were sorry. Maybe you did still have an ounce of the man I see from time to time within you. But the look in your eyes when Niya was born was so opposite the love I saw that day. The look you gave me, brought tears to my eyes upon her birth because I knew I was alone in this. all I could think was "Why have I brought another life into this world with this man?"
I have and had no intention of smoking while I'm breastfeeding, honestly. Krystal has begun smoking again and asked if it would affect the baby and I told her what I found. Damn right I'm planning a night out for my birthday. I do plan on drinking on my birthday. because IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!! I haven't had anything to drink in almost a year now... it's not going to become a habit, I have no intention of returning to my single life... I just want to have a good time celebrating my life with my friends. Because I choose to celebrate life. I will always choose to celebrate the day of my birth till the day I die. And after the year that I have had, I think I deserve a drink.

darkness

I'm used to him being away at night,
the darkness doesn't scare me..
The shadows creeping by don't put fear in my heart
yet I am now afraid like I haven't been since I believed in monsters lurking under my bed... When the sun rises and his face is not there to smile at me my overheated 1 bedroom apartment feels like the North Pole at Christmas time...
cold and lonely
desolate
abandoned
and I am afraid.
Seeing him for an hour a day does nothing to easy the worry that it may be the last time...
And although I have the best part of him surrounding me everyday with smiles of childish joy, I cannot shake the melancholy melody playing in my heart in the darkness & still of the night.
I now am officially aware of how much I love this man, of how I can't live without him... Of how I wear his shirts so I can smell his scent and hope to ease into sleep...
For the first time in a long time, I have lowered myself to my knees in prayer hoping my love bug is returned home soon.
Cause I can't take another sleepless night, and baby girl won't come if her daddy is not there to greet her upon arrival...
and I cannot do this alone...

past to present...

I used to write to free my soul of the deamons stalking me... threatening to take over my mind with their malicious plans of gratutious malevolence and ill will... I used to drown my sorrow in bottles and bags, chasing a fleeting moment of clarity... I used to find self-justification in the ends, forever ignoring the means to which they were met.. i used to play russian roulette with my heart, believeing i was invincible... I used to be confident, strong willed, focused, courageous, daring, carefree, relentless, and unstopable... I used to be young; I used to be happy... I used to fling my arms wide open at the start of each day and sing to the universe at the overwhelming joy i felt in simply being alive another day.. amazed that I had survived another night...
i don't know what happened to the woman I used to be.. the young vibrant girl that had the future a head of her... endless posibilites and a mind that could envision and navigate through them all... I don't know how a size 2 became a size 8, or how my stmina droped to the level of a 60 yr old... i don't know when my heart warmed and my brain froze...
And I don't know who this woman is writing relentless sorrows across the page... I don't know who this intruder in my body is staring back at me through sad worn eyes in the bathroom mirror...

kiss me again

who do you think you are?

who do you think you are?
disturbung my peace of life
with your mayhem
constant sorrow
consistant struggles
indecision
intentional mistakes
creatie chaos
who do you think you are?..
disturbing my peace of life
with your mayhem
your reluctant acceptance
constant struggle
consistant sorrows
goodbye tomorrows
see you next week,
next month,
maybe next year
call you back later, the girlfriend is here
eating up all my time away from you
so long, so strong
so what?
so who do you think you are...
disturbing my peace of life
with your indecision
your I do, I don't
I will, I won't
I want you but not like that
call before you come
be sure to come around the back
entrance
where no one is around
so what if they hear the sounds?
so what if they see the deed?
so what if you feel my need?
who do you think you are...
with youre secrets and seclusions
self inflicted illusions?
temporary dellusions?
who do you think you are...
disturbing my peace of life with your mayhem
planting seeds of knowledge
of joy
of love
of longevity
of legacy
in my fertile pastures?
just who do you think you are...
disturbing my peace of life with your mayhem?
nobody but my love.

written 12/10/08

Together we are...

Together we are smoke
Individuals of fire and ice
joined by love
smoke
extreme heat suppressed by northern artic winds
or vice versa some claim
or perhaps no suppression at all
just pure freedom to spread
the fury we held within us
Smoke preads faster than fire engulfing all it encounters
consuming the entirety of the oxygen supply
making it harder and harder to breathe
I willfully enhale deep and full breaths
no greater desire than to be entoxicated by these fumes of passion
a high too great to want to let go of
hoping i never fall,
only float
together
with you.