No One to Blame

At this point it's no longer about who's right and who's wrong.. Who did what is irrelevant as well.. Because at the end of the day we are now responsible for two beautiful souls... A situation we got ourselves into by not admitting truths to each other and ourselves... And even now a week before making this commitment concrete, you still won't or can't or just don't admit to the truth of the matter... So here I write my truth on this page, where no one else matters too much.. No one's opinions of me, or you or us is anywhere into consideration... As far as I'm concerned at this point they can all go fuck themselves... and you too for that matter if you also agree with the popular thought of this woman whom you chose to make your "wife"...
I have loved you longer and harder and deeper than any person before in my life... I gave you time I didn't always have to give.. I gave you children, I didn't think I would ever bare.. Even now with my confusion of thoughts on how I do or don't feel about there being an us I am doing my best to get back to being in love with you... At the beginning, middle, and end of the day I still know you make me smile like no other.. I know the sound of your voice, even when angry sends a shutter down my spine... The anticipation of a kiss fills me with thrill of a child on Christmas Eve... What ever qualms you have had about me or with me and my ways I have always remained with the same core, you... I were always my choice.. Until two months ago, I had always kept high hopes for what you and I could be together... Yet when you shatter my world and I am slow to readjust to your new found appreciation of your family & life, I am doing it out of spite... By your own words I am doing it on purpose.. Not that I could be tired, over worked, overwhelmed, physically & emotionally exhausted, stretched beyond means mentally, emotionally, physically & financially... And yet and still after three years you don't know if your in love with a woman you can't seem to push away nor walk away from... But it's me who has to make up her mind and stop lording the past over you..
I lost my job in May of 08, And between July 08 and Jan 09, I had 5 jobs... Regardless of what they were or weren't. I had 5 jobs and turned down others that I probably should have taken.. But I never completely stopped.. I never gave up... I continued ... And now that I am finally working again... I'm still not enough... I'm still doing too little...
So what's a person to do? Argue through it and hope one day it ends? Have faith in a rocky, uncertain future with someone who is and has always been unsure about me? Your friends have no respect for me, they say I'm not in your corner... Something you believe... Not an assumption, these are your own words to me as well... So what do I do, stay silent.. Remain in control of the only thing I can control which is me and my actions...
You still to this day believe that I had a child to keep you.. As self-centered as I was when I became pregnant, you really have the ego to believe I'd have a child to keep a man.. That I would have willingly sacrificed my life at that time to dedicate it to another individual over a man I knew I was done with and was done with me... You wait two years to admit to what you wanted in the first place, and still won't admit to what you don't want in your life which is me... Everything else can stay because it's what you wanted... I understand that having a complete family along with a woman you are in love with is not what you were looking for.. But when are you going to wake up to reality and admit to the truth one way or the other.. Either I'm good enough for you or I'm not just as I am... This is not an ultimatum, just thoughts that are rumbling around in my mind after reading your convo with your friend about how you really feel... what you're really thinking... btw it's more disrespectful to yourself and to me to stay in a "relationship" that is making you unhappy then to go and be with the person you believe to really be the love of your life.. if you have those feelings for her that you can't seem to feel or find for me, then maybe that is where your heart truly lies and you need to admit it to yourself.. and then act on it... but don't keep it all to yourself, silently comparing me to her in hopes that i will one day make your heart flutter the way she did (does).. it;s not going to happen.. i will never be her... i'm not writing this to push you away, or look for a way out, I'm just trying to avoid us having more years of craziness, if there is a simpler answer... I don't want to be married to someone who is going to be unhappy with me.. nor will i join into a union with a person who's love from me is nothing more than an appreciation of the life i brought into this world, and not the life I occupy... I want my husband to not only appreciate me but to love me, to want me, to need me and know it in his heart the way i know it in mine... and if it means i have to be sad & single for a little while.. I'll be okay with that... I'd rather not bei the cause of your pain and frustration then a constant reminder of what your missing out on...