to be continued...

I've now had time to clear my head and seek solice in the recesses of my mind. I won't say that I have not sought the advice of trusted friends,because I have, but I have also given myself time to process the week's events. For the first time in a long time I sat tonite in the darkness and silence of our home and meditated. And the result of this inner searching has me realizing how selfish we both are. One thing I know is true is that I am not as bad as you are making me out to be. I will not listen to you berate me as if I am this horrible terrible mother and you are a fantastic father because you work and I don't. I will not allow you to trivialize my feelings of being overwhelmed but our current situation as well as need to adapt so quickly to having two children. You have never in your life had nor will you ever physically give birth to a child. You have no clue what that experience does to someone mentally or physically. do you realize that since I've come home from the hospital I've only eaten 2 meals a day. That even of I wake up at 6,8 or 9 am, that I don't get to eat breakfast till almost 11 or 12? Today the first thing I ate was a pb & j around 1 when you got up. At night since bringing the baby home K'hari wakes up and begins screaming bloody murder at least 4 times a night for no other reason then because he wants attention (i guess). I've gotten maybe 4 hours of sleep the last couple days, cause f it's not k'hari; i gotta get up to feed niya. Not to mention the sore nipples, back, cramping stomach, and achy legs. Which have all gradually been getting better. Today I felt physically able to do all that I did get done today.
I don't appreciate you bringing my father into the conversation. You have no idea how I grew up. He did exactly what it is you want to do to your children. He stayed away because of whatever reasons. And he sent money, I'd see him maybe three times a year tops. I would talk to him on the phone every once in a while, but there were so many days that I would wait in the window because he said he was coming. All I ever wished as a child was that he would be there like a real father should. That he would be sitting in the audience at my plays, and there to sing happy birthday to me when i blew out the candles on my cake. All I'm saying is that there is no tie frame for the prospect of me moving to Vegas with one or both of the children. So it's very possible that 2 years turns into 10 or never... And while that seems like an okay situation to you, I know that it's not. I know what will come from that type of relationship with your kids. no mater what type of technology you have, cause it's doubtful I'll have anything for a while, it will not help to strengthen the connection between you and them. I'm sorry that you didn't grow up with a father, but you're lucky cause it's worse to know who he is but never see him. To always feel rejected by the person who made you.
You've said for so long that you wanted to leave, and it's about getting away from me and not them, go ahead and get away from me. I told you before and I'll tell you again, I'm not going anywhere.. I'll be right here. If you choose to walk away then walk away. It'll hurt and I'll hurt but I'll get over it. I'm a big girl... Just like you're a man who can make any decision you see fit when you see fit. So make the best decision for you.