Is anybody out there?

"I may not be perfect but parts of me ARE pretty awesome" is what my favorite t-shirt reads in my least favorite color (pink)... Today (and everyday of the last year) has been a testament to that fact... Or rather to the fact that I may never get it "right" or "perfect" but I have what it takes to persevere somehow... I woke up this morning at 5am for an early morning feeding and disappointment 4 hours later when my EBT card was still empty. Six hours after that my card was still empty and I received court papers in the mail informing me that I was supposed to appear in family court at 9AM today for a child support hearing filed on my behalf by the state of NY. Reading the attached papers, I found out that my benefits (which are still missing) would be reduced as a penalty for my failure to appear. So I jump on the phone again only to be told that I have to wait till the garnish my benefits before I can receive another court date and fight them reducing my benefits. All these events happening while my newborn daughter was either crying or breastfeeding. It was somewhere around 3pm when I finally got my daughter to sleep and had a moment of silence. Somewhere in that silence I broke down and cried, i cried for what seemed like forever but was probably no longer than 30 minutes. And my luvbug awoke and I returned to my everyday cocoon of blankness and indifference. Somehow I made a dinner out of the sparceness of my cupboard.
And now the children are asleep, Luvbug us at work and I am left alone in the silence once again... And all I want to do is cry because I don't know what else to do. I have called all the charities, federal programs, social workers, relatives with money, overly generous friends, angels, and Gods that I can... And I am worn out. I never thought I'd be the woman who cries silently in the dark to avoid exposing the weight of her troubles on her family. But what else is there to do. It's like I keep running into a brick wall, hoping to knock it down somehow. Me and my 160 lbs, never once moving a single brick... And all the while my world continues to crumble around me. People keep telling me to keep my head up, keep the faith, that God will carry me cause he never puts more on me than I can bear... So where is my life saver? Where is the helping hand that will pull me out the water and onto dry land? My body is tired from treading water, who knows how much longer my stamina will hold out... So hopefully He comes soon, if He comes at all. Two weeks is all I have left before I'm homeless. Before I officially become a failure to my family despite all the effort...
I constantly thank God for the positives, like a great grandmother who alleviates the everyday stress by babysitting my son 3-4 days a week. And a man in my life, who though we may not be together, still does everything within his power to provide what he can. The gifts that were bread into me like an unstopable spirit, and strength beyond measure... but maybe that's not enough.