she and i

i hate this bitch,

not because she is talking to my man

not because she spends more time with him then I do

no because she's got anything on me

(cause she don't)

just because she get attention that I don't

she gets the words he holds back from me

she gets romantic poems in her inbox

while i get an IOU for a massage I desperately need..

I get the cold shoulder and she gets the sunshine

I get the dirty diapers and she gets the dirty thoughts

I get the dishes, the laundry, the household management, the cleaning, the errands, and the wake-up calls

she gets to know how much he misses her and the "can't wait to see you"'s

I get the feeling something is gonna go down

she gets the feelings

i get to plan the wedding

she gets to not be on the guest list...

and he doesn't get why i'm so upset... 

defeat

I wish i could be inspired the way you are to express myself in such a meaningless manner but since my words hold weight and yours don't it no longer matters what i write. 

So here's a toast to defeat, 

how sweet your victory must be.

Suck it in winner, you worked  hard for this one... 

Cause apparently I've been doing wrong by you for so long, 

it's time for me to say so long to the fight...

I'm all tired out, no more rain in this cloud...

My quest will have to be other wise satisfied with a oh well, guess i'll trudge through it...

I'll wear the fake smile, while knowing what's going on

keep your 'mistress of power'

i hope you penetrate her defenses, grant her wishes

cause what do feelings matter any way when i got a carat and a half on my finger 

all the indication i will ever need to be assured my love loves me the way i love him

Damn all actions, fuck saying words

all that true love, soulmate, forever shit is obviously for the birds...

emotions have no roles here

the play has been cast

just you and me in the starring roles

you're the one in the mask...

wtf?

i'm supposed to be over my issues of jealousy and i'm supposed to have full trust in you but i see you're still acting sneakily... texting all day to a woman you see all night while i lay by your side and i'm not allowed to read your intimate thoughts because they're not about me. I'm beginning to turn into a woman I never wanted to be. I have always trusted your word even when i wasn't your priority... And now I'm unsure again. Filled with constant doubts in my mind that bonding myself to you forever is really what I need to be doing. I admit I am insecure, I cannot handle you sneaking around with other women, I can't take you having feelings for anyone other than me. And if you want them, then have them but you can't have both especially if you're going to lie about it. 

commenting on the topic of trust...

hahahahahahahaha! how funny of you to mention that i should wait till you do something or commit to doing something... "When would I find the time to fuck her?" you ask, well when the fuck did you find time to kiss her while at work? When the fuck to you find the time to chat with her for hours at a time when you come home? When the fuck do you find time to send 4 or 5 im's a day to her? When the fuck did you fine 4 extra hours in the day to go to andy's house after work? Where do you find time to do workshops and tutor at other places? Where ever that place is that you find the time to do the extra things you want and need to do is where you will find the time to fuck that trick... Central park isn't far and there are a lot of secluded spots there at at 6:30 a.m. it is a pretty dark and deserted place. i wouldn't be suprised if you're fucking her right now during your lunch break. So keep that holier that thou bullshit... 

and as far as my affairs, which were sanctioned by you.. If you didn't want me to have them, you wouldn't have pushed leslie in my direction in the first place. You would have told me it make you uncomfortable and I would have respected your feelings just like I have been doing since the last time, which I saw got you a bit aggitated. Don't sit and act as if dating women is something I began after you. I was doing this before I met you. And certainly way before we made any commitments to each other.   

To move or not to move? That is the question....

I already know the answer. In reality, we need to move... The cozyness of our 1 bedroom has quickly dissappeared with the emergence of our son's advancements in standing/walking... What was shaping out to be a comfy place for a small family, is becoming a perpetual den of clutter. It annoys me that my son has no space to spread his toys around and proudly survey his area like at his nana's house... I'm mad that the only space he has to roam is on the bed he is determined to dive off of... 

It's upsetting that all these people on Craigslist now thing you are so stupid to believe that as NY'ers now relocated to West Africa (or London, or the like) that they don't have one single person they can trust with their apartment keys still living in the states. They don't even appear to  live in buildings with a super, landlord, or building manager... Which only leads me to think that if none of those people exist in these "fabulous" apartment they are trying to rent out, do i really want to even live there? I mean, who takes out the trash on garbage day? Who keeps the building clean? Certainly not I... Furthermore, aside from the fact that the majority of these responses are modeled exactly the same way; meaning written with horrible grammatical errors and countless spelling mistakes, none of these people can seem to answer a question if you respond to the response... So  since it looks like Craigslist is a bust on non-scammy apt ads, that only leave 2 options... Option A, a broker or option B an "apartment listings service".. Which will only cost us another $200 to $1500 depending on which option we pick...   

So it it even worth it? Sometimes I think we should just spend the moving money on a trip to home depot and DIY some major upgrades to our potential filled love nest. If I were more of a self motivated home improvement type and was willing to stay here for at least another 2 years, i would make the investment... Cause it wouldn't take much... It may be a better investment of time and energy then chasing apartment pipe dreams through the city & internet...

Man I yearn for the old days of the hook up.. If only I had a relative with a 2/3 family house that didn't hate me (not even me, my mom... even worse) so much that they're not willing to help my family out... I wish we'd never had sold grandma's house.. Cause at least then we wouldn't have to move...

on the topic of trust...

I'm not supposed to have anger toward you I guess... You don't trust me but you are the one who's flirting with women outside of us... And yes I did what i did when I did it but with your blessing i was told... So you throwing it back at me now only makes me question how much faith you truly have in us... 

I'm not supposed to be upset that this woman is asking hypothetical questions to which I cannot fathom or will I ever hear your responses... All I have to go on is the facts of the past.. That the fact remains our relations began in the same hypothetical, "I just wanna know, what if..." type of way... The facts remain that you were fully committed to another and I still wormed my way just by quenching your mental thirst... Not that you didn't love the one who came before, though you didn't love the one who came after, yet still and all every time you returned to my bed... And it all started with the hypothetical, "what if..." questions... Intrigued you followed your minds desire, and it led us here.. to three years of  what I am not to a year and a half of what I am now... So why am I not supposed to be paranoid at the possibility of persuasion... Especially knowing that you some what feel wronged for my actions which, to my understanding, were allowed? When we both know that if situations were reversed, this could not, would not continue... Yes you are promised to me, but for how long? If one knows of the disposability of their station, how can one feel secure when faced with obvious doubts... When there is another woman on the sideline cheering on your curiosity of greener pastures? And what's worse, probably entertaining the possibility of such an encounter? Cause if your willing to share someone, you're willing tempt someone away, and even worse act on that temptation should the opportunity arise...   Not to say I don't trust you, I don't trust her...  and as your wife I have every right not to until proven otherwise...  Cause she and I aren't friends like that... Yes I know who she is but we weren't homies, she's never been to my home and vise versa... We ain't never broke no green in peace nor shared a laugh over drinks, not to say we couldn't have, just to say we never had.... If I'm not mistaken it's the same thing I said to you when you cheated on your girl with me... Funny how things come full circle... So if you want me to not trust you and grow more paranoid, then please continue on your path of actions but don't try to act like I'm not allowed to feel this way... 

frustration

I loath the long sleepless nights like taking buckleys when i have a bad cold, so why is it I can't sleep now in the quiet outside my mind? It seems my mommy instinct is stronger when he is away... A few days I can take but not a few months... Yet still I am restless... The day which is log only seems longer whence alone... I guess because the tuth is I am nothing without him and that is a beast all it's own....