:(

this is possibly the worst I've ever felt in my adult life.. It's not the numbness, it's the utter disappointment & failure i feel in myself. That no matter what i did, no matter what I do, i am doomed to fail. And all we do is fight... And whether he and I are right or wrong, it never seems to end.. Words cut deep, even when they have no weight... Even when taken back with the sincerest of apologies, they still come from a place where roots run deep. I wish I had more assurances.. I wish I had the hope & belief I kept in me for so long.. But I don't... I am lost.. Boundless and bonded by anger at the same time... I cry when alone and scream when I'm not.. His words, shouldn't sit with me but they do. They settle on the surface along with the wikked thoughts trying to fight their way through the focus I must keep, least I fall apart. And then what good would I be to them, to him, to us? What good can one like me be to anyone.. When all I seem to do is drive people away, and destroy everything i touch.. Within 5 years Ive had 2 children, an abortion, and have become homeless twice... Which leaves me to think, it can't be everything and everyone else... When will it end. I've always known the path would be rough but this is more than I bargained for... too much more than I could have, ever did expect... What use am I to them? What can I teach them about life if I can't even provide one for them? What can I teach him about love if I can't even allow myself to forgive him? How can i be sure when there is no end to the horizon... It just keeps going and so must I and so I do.. Continuously, non stop, not knowing but giving all I have each day... Looking for what we need, looking for answers, needing something to believe in because I can no longer believe in myself...