It's my Birthday!!!

Today (or rather yesterday, but today since I haven't gone to sleep yet) is (was) my birthday... The day in which my parents decided I was worthy enough a soul to be transitioned into life... And it was a good day.

Rest In Peace granny Vi

Before this day officially ends I want to pay tribute to a wonderful woman who spent her life guiding children, including me. My grandmother, Violet Wiltshire, was a teacher before becoming a mother and then grandmother to my brother and I. She was really more like my mother than grandma. I knew who my mom was but I had the advantage of being raised by her. Today, May 24th, is her birthday. Usually I go to the graveyard to replant the African violets I planted years ago, but this year it wasn't possible. So this year I've decided to write. I miss her so much. It always seemed that no matter what she always had all the answers to life's quandries. It saddens me that she didn't live long enough to meet any of her great-grandchildren. She would have loved them all. But when I sit with my daughter, i sense she is infused with the inner peace and suspect she will carry the grace my grandmother possessed. At least I hope she will.
Rest in peace grandma.

There can't be a testimony without a test...

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a religious person. But I am not one to deny the higher power that exists within this universe. I know it is real, because I've felt it run through me. several times in my life. This past year has been one of extreme trials, like I've never had to face before. And what I've learned is that I am still standing. I am still here, I have been blessed despite the hardships in my life. I have climbed the roadblocks that have been placed in my path. no matter how I have dealt with them, I have continued moving forward.
Next week is my 26th birthday, it marks the beginning of the second quarter of my life. I enter is bearing more responsibility than most people my age. But I feel good about it. For the first time in a long time, I've got things figured out. It is often says that with age comes wisdom. What is true is that with age comes experience and opportunity... The chance to learn from one's mistakes, to look back and understand how it is you need to move forward... That is, if you choose to learn. If you choose to declare that life will not beat you down. That the forces in this world that want to keep you down can't and won't if you can find the strength with yourself to keep going. You can't look to others for the light that shines within you because when you do, you're just standing in your own shadow...
I am blessed and I will never forget that again. Thank you God for restoring my faith.

to be continued...

I've now had time to clear my head and seek solice in the recesses of my mind. I won't say that I have not sought the advice of trusted friends,because I have, but I have also given myself time to process the week's events. For the first time in a long time I sat tonite in the darkness and silence of our home and meditated. And the result of this inner searching has me realizing how selfish we both are. One thing I know is true is that I am not as bad as you are making me out to be. I will not listen to you berate me as if I am this horrible terrible mother and you are a fantastic father because you work and I don't. I will not allow you to trivialize my feelings of being overwhelmed but our current situation as well as need to adapt so quickly to having two children. You have never in your life had nor will you ever physically give birth to a child. You have no clue what that experience does to someone mentally or physically. do you realize that since I've come home from the hospital I've only eaten 2 meals a day. That even of I wake up at 6,8 or 9 am, that I don't get to eat breakfast till almost 11 or 12? Today the first thing I ate was a pb & j around 1 when you got up. At night since bringing the baby home K'hari wakes up and begins screaming bloody murder at least 4 times a night for no other reason then because he wants attention (i guess). I've gotten maybe 4 hours of sleep the last couple days, cause f it's not k'hari; i gotta get up to feed niya. Not to mention the sore nipples, back, cramping stomach, and achy legs. Which have all gradually been getting better. Today I felt physically able to do all that I did get done today.
I don't appreciate you bringing my father into the conversation. You have no idea how I grew up. He did exactly what it is you want to do to your children. He stayed away because of whatever reasons. And he sent money, I'd see him maybe three times a year tops. I would talk to him on the phone every once in a while, but there were so many days that I would wait in the window because he said he was coming. All I ever wished as a child was that he would be there like a real father should. That he would be sitting in the audience at my plays, and there to sing happy birthday to me when i blew out the candles on my cake. All I'm saying is that there is no tie frame for the prospect of me moving to Vegas with one or both of the children. So it's very possible that 2 years turns into 10 or never... And while that seems like an okay situation to you, I know that it's not. I know what will come from that type of relationship with your kids. no mater what type of technology you have, cause it's doubtful I'll have anything for a while, it will not help to strengthen the connection between you and them. I'm sorry that you didn't grow up with a father, but you're lucky cause it's worse to know who he is but never see him. To always feel rejected by the person who made you.
You've said for so long that you wanted to leave, and it's about getting away from me and not them, go ahead and get away from me. I told you before and I'll tell you again, I'm not going anywhere.. I'll be right here. If you choose to walk away then walk away. It'll hurt and I'll hurt but I'll get over it. I'm a big girl... Just like you're a man who can make any decision you see fit when you see fit. So make the best decision for you.

No.. unanimously and unequivocally no. I will not accept that from you. I will not accept that you have been planning on putting me in this position since you decided i would make an adequate 2nd choice... You want me to hate you, then sir you are (and for some time have been) successful in your choice. I don't need you to stir up my anger in order for me to put myself into the mindset you think I need to be in. Your so fucking stupid if you think I can maintain that mind state because of outside motivation. That is the person that I am. I can and will do that myself. If you are so adamant about following up on what I'm researching during my time online and how I'm planning my days, then maybe you should also notice how many applications I've been filling out online for the last three weeks. Notice how many resumes I've been sending out. I'm ready to go hard, I know what I need to do and I am doing it. You want me to not snoop, then don't talk about me like I'm shit to other women, especially women that you send notes to inviting them to come over so you can taste them. I didn't go looking for that text message that you sent to her, I read it on mother's day as apart of the response chain after I sent her a Happy Mother's day salutation and she replied. When I went to use the computer the day you were talking to her, you left the chat window open, so I read it. I copied your convo with her to remind me that you are shit if you can talk about me like that with all that I do for you on a daily basis. Not only you but for this family. And now you write me this shit about how your dying and you think you'll be dead by 40. If you really wanna see your children grow then be apart of their lives. Stop sitting on the sidelines feeling sorry for your situation. There are many many many people living with diabetes and have it even worse than you, and live way past 40. i've known people in my lifetime who have live into their 60's and beyond because they chose to live and took proper care of themselves. Yes you have diabetes but you are not dead nor will you die tomorrow. And you need to stop crying wolf. If you didn't want me to have these feelings for you and get over a relationship with you, you should have just told me to have an abortion when I got pregnant with K'hari. Then at least I could have moved on without having to see your face everyday in their faces. But the minute you chose to stand up and allowed me to see that you can be the man I deserve in my life, that is worthy of being the father of my children, I've seen it in you, I've seen you do it.. It broke me and I will never get over it. I will never see past you. And that is your fault. I can hate you to the bottom recesses of my soul but I will never choose to walk away from you. You're right in some of what you say, I have momentary lapses of judgement. And I have been allowing you to steal my energy for way too long, only because I want you to stop making all these self-serving excuses for yourself and be the man I know you are. Be apart of this family. spend time with your kids. You say I nag you too much about doing things around the house but do you realize how simple these things I ask of you are? I just mean like your lack of noticing (or caring) when the garbage is overflowing, if I ask you to take it down you'll actually tell me you have no time to drop a bag of garbage over the side of the stairs. The light bulb in the bedroom has been blown out for almost 2 months, the lightbulb in the livingroom for a week, and it took my best friend to do change the bulb for me, when I've asked you for so long to change them. Were you waiting for me to climb up on a stool at 8/9 months pregnant to change it myself? When have you ever spent time with K'hari outside this house or that of your grandmother's? You have been off the night before many a beautiful day and yet you don't feel the need or want to spend time with your son ever.. All you do is sleep.. All the time. And I know I don't have a job but had you been awake some times in the last couple months, you would have noticed how tough this pregnancy has been on me physically. You of all people know how just being in the hospital takes a physical strain on your body. So I find it laughable that you can't understand how I'm still in physical pain as my body tries to re-cooperate after pushing out a 7lbs baby. You think I don't worry about you or how we're gonna make these bills or how we're gonna eat some days? You think I don't want to spend time with our son more. be more physically active with this ever growing child? I didn't sign up to bear your children to raise them alone. To not have someone be apart of it. I never would have had your children NEVER if I knew that 2 years in you would be so focused on your mortality that you are willing to leave. You talk to Joia, Nicole, Tiara, Alena, nana, EVERYBODY BUT ME.. By the time your true thoughts and feelings get to me it's either in a rage or a writing rant. So why should you share yourself with someone who you don't feel connected to? You have nerve underestimating your worth and trying to justify it to me. You get mad, you shut the world out. I have never neglected our son because I'm mad at you. I have never said fuck it, I'm not gonna cook today because I'm mad at you. You think my fixation on the state of our relationship i all about how you feel towards me.. it's not because when things are good between us, you are communicative and interact with K'hari in such a loving way. But if things are bad between us the he doesn't even exist to you. so maybe it's you who needs to get over our relationship. You feel the need to move out and move on then go. I would have already started going on interviews and physically going to fill out applications but I can't trust you to be left alone with one kid let alone 2. Once you're asleep, or rather you don't sleep, you slip into a coma... shit when I was going hsrd at Barneys there were too many days I came home to our son passed out in his high chair sticky from covering himself in juice and in a shitty or piss soaked diaper. How can I allow that to happen with both children? Yes I know that is a past example but even now you don't even flinch at the sound of K'hari's screaming or Nyia's crying. You barely wake up when it's time to go to work. So how can I not worry that once I do find a job, you can be trusted? period...
I'm so tired of being by your side doing right by you, trying to keep up, trying to prove myself by giving the totality of myself to this family. I'm so tired of fighting and thinking that maybe you'll care about someone other than yourself. I'm so tired of you manipulating my mind because you don't see who and what i am. I'm a damn good woman, who deserves so much more than what you are willing to give at this point. You're not even thirty and you've already given up on your life. I think about dying but I still never give up. Which is more than I can say for you. You say I'm weak because I stay safe, well I say that you're weak for constantly attending this 1 man pity party in your head and expecting someone to co-sign that bullshit. Why would you do this to someone you claim to love? Why would you do this to yourself?
That day that I came home and saw you laying on the couch, all I could do was pray you didn't die. the look in your eyes in the hospital that day made me think that maybe you really were sorry. Maybe you did still have an ounce of the man I see from time to time within you. But the look in your eyes when Niya was born was so opposite the love I saw that day. The look you gave me, brought tears to my eyes upon her birth because I knew I was alone in this. all I could think was "Why have I brought another life into this world with this man?"
I have and had no intention of smoking while I'm breastfeeding, honestly. Krystal has begun smoking again and asked if it would affect the baby and I told her what I found. Damn right I'm planning a night out for my birthday. I do plan on drinking on my birthday. because IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!! I haven't had anything to drink in almost a year now... it's not going to become a habit, I have no intention of returning to my single life... I just want to have a good time celebrating my life with my friends. Because I choose to celebrate life. I will always choose to celebrate the day of my birth till the day I die. And after the year that I have had, I think I deserve a drink.

darkness

I'm used to him being away at night,
the darkness doesn't scare me..
The shadows creeping by don't put fear in my heart
yet I am now afraid like I haven't been since I believed in monsters lurking under my bed... When the sun rises and his face is not there to smile at me my overheated 1 bedroom apartment feels like the North Pole at Christmas time...
cold and lonely
desolate
abandoned
and I am afraid.
Seeing him for an hour a day does nothing to easy the worry that it may be the last time...
And although I have the best part of him surrounding me everyday with smiles of childish joy, I cannot shake the melancholy melody playing in my heart in the darkness & still of the night.
I now am officially aware of how much I love this man, of how I can't live without him... Of how I wear his shirts so I can smell his scent and hope to ease into sleep...
For the first time in a long time, I have lowered myself to my knees in prayer hoping my love bug is returned home soon.
Cause I can't take another sleepless night, and baby girl won't come if her daddy is not there to greet her upon arrival...
and I cannot do this alone...