Things have changed for me

I used to believe his love was different from the love of everyone else in my family, that I was a special part of his life that he kept so close that he'd never forget me. It was a belief I chose for too long to believe in, despite always being proved wrong. But that is the love a daughter should hold for her father. No matter what, no matter what... But what about when you spoon feed your child pipe dreams in their greatest time of need? And when trapped in a corner, why are you not there to pull me out? Why are you no where to be found? Why do I have to track you down to remember your own grand child's birthday. An appearance would have, could have been the greatest gift from you. But you couldn't even muster that when you live less than a mile away. I ask for answers and i am met with your disapproval, as if you didn't already know i have been in a financial bind for the last year, listening to your hope and prayer cryptic jedi-like advice that everything will be okay.. that is until you get some money and forget about everyone else's problems but your own.
Growing up you always told me not to believe my mother's rantings about how stupid i was to believe in you. She'd say that my eternal hope that I held in my heart was nothing more than wasted energy because at the end of the day I'd see the truth for myself... And it breaks my heart that now I do. My family and I have been suffering for more than A YEAR! And i kept eating your sugar covered spoonfuls of shit... I've never felt more stupid. Never felt more betrayed by someone who is supposed to care. My problems are nothing new to anyone who actually pays attention when I talk to them. But you help me with one debt while turning a blind eye to the reality of my life and have nerve to get mad at me when I try to explain that I can't follow your directions to the letter because that would only perpetuate the immediate problems of no diapers and no milk and no food in my house, But I guess you forget about those things when you never made the choice to be there to begin with.
It's no wonder I chose a guy that I thought was just like you at first. Luckily for me (thank god) I was wrong. He's nothing like you. he loves me entirely. He's willing to stick it out in bad times and celebrate in good. He's there always in all ways for me and for our children. He's never left and never will as long as I'll continue to have him. And while he's done his share of fucked-up-ness over our last 6 years together, he's still here. He's never left me. Never brushed me off. Never ignored my calls, Never recieved a text and not replied. Never turned his back on us. He's a true father. Here everyday all say. And whether he had to give his last cent or last breath for our children's needs or just to see them smile he would... He is a father.. He is everything to us that you never were to me. And I'm glad that he chose me. Because he saved my life. At the end of the day, if I left it up to you I'd probably have killed myself by now.
But I am your legacy, I am to take over what ever the fuck is so important that you can't tell me anything about it, you can't teach me what I may one day be doing, and you can't help me get a job in this hypothetical empire of which i am to become queen? WTF!!! My children don't even know who you are.. And that shit is okay with you... I have to call you for a well wish on my birthday, You come to my daughter's birthday and say you're going to be around a lot more from now on but you can't even answer a text message! No Bueno. I realize what I am doing by writing this and not just calling but whatever. You have no time for me, I'll pretend not to have time for you either. I'll sit here and cry out every bit of pain. frustration, disappointment, and anger that I have for you. Because I know I'll never have the opportunity to sit down and talk to you. You can't even find 30 minutes on a regular day to sit and have lunch with me when I offer to pay for it... Shit we could go for a walk and have a hotdog in the park but you don't have that time either... Which makes me ask, how proud can you be of a daughter you know nothing about... Oh yeah, that's right we're friends on Facebook, so clearly we're tight like that...

tbc_1

this is how a heart breaks..
this is how a heart beats, builds,
growing stronger..
building connections becoming one
you need to talk,

i need to touch .. you
always be connected
but the pathway is blocked
from mind to mouth
lays a funnel twisting my tongue
to open my eyes,
i end up only locked in my mind,
words
never quite making it

slivers lip through and sound like blah blah blah...

to be continued..

The Choice

There are times when I greatly regret it, the choice to love him and not leave him. Especially when his conclusion to things is to send me on my way, or suggest i leave... I wonder why does he never choose to say something else? Why does he always choose to add my dismissal as a viable solution to the real problem of us? Perhaps it's because he's so scared that he's trying to scare me too. Perhaps he really is fed up to the point that he doesn't want to do this anymore. Perhaps, he's nothing more than a big kid, who doesn't know his ass from his elbow let alone what he wants. I can't make that choice for him. The decision is his alone to make. So what do I do when I've made my choice? I believe in the words we never spoke and act as if we did...

Happy Valentine's Day

I don't do Valentines Day, I've never needed flowers & candy to justify or validate any relationship I've been in. Jewelry is nice to receive but I'd rather see the sparkle of my lovers smile.
His smile is now dimmed.. and i just wish I could press the reset button and follow my gut. Not that stupid voice in my head that kept me paranoid yet led us to the place we are now... Afraid... Withdrawn... Distant..
Strangers..
So I'm taking the chance now to not be a stranger anymore.. I'm willing to live in the fear of love, so we may once again be wrapped and warmed by it's embrace..
3 years ago i made a choice, and I don't regret it. Everyday I will continue to wake up and make that same choice because that is what marriage is... That's what love is, making the choice every day...
On this day I choose him, and will again tomorrow, come what may...

the sound

silent is the sound
of the ice as it cracks
beneath you feet
and inside her chest....

the icy heart...

once melted by a valiant king,
brought to life then stripped away

vulnerability

loneliness

inevitably disappearing..

part of self traded in for parts of him...

once stolen this heart of ice which still beats...

full of blood yet void of life...

alone again
in the shadow of night.

No One to Blame

At this point it's no longer about who's right and who's wrong.. Who did what is irrelevant as well.. Because at the end of the day we are now responsible for two beautiful souls... A situation we got ourselves into by not admitting truths to each other and ourselves... And even now a week before making this commitment concrete, you still won't or can't or just don't admit to the truth of the matter... So here I write my truth on this page, where no one else matters too much.. No one's opinions of me, or you or us is anywhere into consideration... As far as I'm concerned at this point they can all go fuck themselves... and you too for that matter if you also agree with the popular thought of this woman whom you chose to make your "wife"...
I have loved you longer and harder and deeper than any person before in my life... I gave you time I didn't always have to give.. I gave you children, I didn't think I would ever bare.. Even now with my confusion of thoughts on how I do or don't feel about there being an us I am doing my best to get back to being in love with you... At the beginning, middle, and end of the day I still know you make me smile like no other.. I know the sound of your voice, even when angry sends a shutter down my spine... The anticipation of a kiss fills me with thrill of a child on Christmas Eve... What ever qualms you have had about me or with me and my ways I have always remained with the same core, you... I were always my choice.. Until two months ago, I had always kept high hopes for what you and I could be together... Yet when you shatter my world and I am slow to readjust to your new found appreciation of your family & life, I am doing it out of spite... By your own words I am doing it on purpose.. Not that I could be tired, over worked, overwhelmed, physically & emotionally exhausted, stretched beyond means mentally, emotionally, physically & financially... And yet and still after three years you don't know if your in love with a woman you can't seem to push away nor walk away from... But it's me who has to make up her mind and stop lording the past over you..
I lost my job in May of 08, And between July 08 and Jan 09, I had 5 jobs... Regardless of what they were or weren't. I had 5 jobs and turned down others that I probably should have taken.. But I never completely stopped.. I never gave up... I continued ... And now that I am finally working again... I'm still not enough... I'm still doing too little...
So what's a person to do? Argue through it and hope one day it ends? Have faith in a rocky, uncertain future with someone who is and has always been unsure about me? Your friends have no respect for me, they say I'm not in your corner... Something you believe... Not an assumption, these are your own words to me as well... So what do I do, stay silent.. Remain in control of the only thing I can control which is me and my actions...
You still to this day believe that I had a child to keep you.. As self-centered as I was when I became pregnant, you really have the ego to believe I'd have a child to keep a man.. That I would have willingly sacrificed my life at that time to dedicate it to another individual over a man I knew I was done with and was done with me... You wait two years to admit to what you wanted in the first place, and still won't admit to what you don't want in your life which is me... Everything else can stay because it's what you wanted... I understand that having a complete family along with a woman you are in love with is not what you were looking for.. But when are you going to wake up to reality and admit to the truth one way or the other.. Either I'm good enough for you or I'm not just as I am... This is not an ultimatum, just thoughts that are rumbling around in my mind after reading your convo with your friend about how you really feel... what you're really thinking... btw it's more disrespectful to yourself and to me to stay in a "relationship" that is making you unhappy then to go and be with the person you believe to really be the love of your life.. if you have those feelings for her that you can't seem to feel or find for me, then maybe that is where your heart truly lies and you need to admit it to yourself.. and then act on it... but don't keep it all to yourself, silently comparing me to her in hopes that i will one day make your heart flutter the way she did (does).. it;s not going to happen.. i will never be her... i'm not writing this to push you away, or look for a way out, I'm just trying to avoid us having more years of craziness, if there is a simpler answer... I don't want to be married to someone who is going to be unhappy with me.. nor will i join into a union with a person who's love from me is nothing more than an appreciation of the life i brought into this world, and not the life I occupy... I want my husband to not only appreciate me but to love me, to want me, to need me and know it in his heart the way i know it in mine... and if it means i have to be sad & single for a little while.. I'll be okay with that... I'd rather not bei the cause of your pain and frustration then a constant reminder of what your missing out on...

:(

this is possibly the worst I've ever felt in my adult life.. It's not the numbness, it's the utter disappointment & failure i feel in myself. That no matter what i did, no matter what I do, i am doomed to fail. And all we do is fight... And whether he and I are right or wrong, it never seems to end.. Words cut deep, even when they have no weight... Even when taken back with the sincerest of apologies, they still come from a place where roots run deep. I wish I had more assurances.. I wish I had the hope & belief I kept in me for so long.. But I don't... I am lost.. Boundless and bonded by anger at the same time... I cry when alone and scream when I'm not.. His words, shouldn't sit with me but they do. They settle on the surface along with the wikked thoughts trying to fight their way through the focus I must keep, least I fall apart. And then what good would I be to them, to him, to us? What good can one like me be to anyone.. When all I seem to do is drive people away, and destroy everything i touch.. Within 5 years Ive had 2 children, an abortion, and have become homeless twice... Which leaves me to think, it can't be everything and everyone else... When will it end. I've always known the path would be rough but this is more than I bargained for... too much more than I could have, ever did expect... What use am I to them? What can I teach them about life if I can't even provide one for them? What can I teach him about love if I can't even allow myself to forgive him? How can i be sure when there is no end to the horizon... It just keeps going and so must I and so I do.. Continuously, non stop, not knowing but giving all I have each day... Looking for what we need, looking for answers, needing something to believe in because I can no longer believe in myself...