hmmm...

the problem is that i'm a believer in all this makeshift movie magic cookie cutter bullshit... a believer that people could one day fall in love from a glance across the room; and stay that way after the beer goggles are taken off... that compromise and communication is enough to make it work; despite the fact you are expected to have telepathy... that love is all we need; if you don't consider debt, bills, and rent... that a "woman's place" is in the home, even when it drives her crazy... that puttin' in hard work pays off; especially for those taking short cuts... that if i believe it can happen; even though it may take a lifetime... 

 but i don't wear watches...

i have no time...

so why am i waiting, or rather what?

what?

there was a time  when i thought my life to end.. i could see not tomorrow... all i saw was dark clouds blocking the sun i should have been basking in... from time to time i still feel a bit like that person dressed for a summer's day... only to walk into a rainstorm... never truly prepared for or willing to accept the obstacles thrown in my path... I have since learned to appreciate the vast blessings i have accrued... and toughened my skin to avoid infrastructural damage..  yet all precautions aside, it's still a balancing act... with a long way to fall with just one mis-step... 

i am sometimes afraid that my  genealogy  will predict the actions of my future self... that the things my mentality quips over now have already been decided for me simply by my birth... that every decision is actually just me following the outline laid ahead of me... and it's scary thinking that perhaps the road to hell  is only paved with good intentions because it's not truly my decision which way i shall go... 

so pondering the possibilities, perhaps it is all excuses of theory of one who is unsure... or it could be rational or one who is simply bipolar...

the duality of personality

It's not like I woke up one day and decided to become a mother...

never once do I remember asking the almighty to

send me a baby that I can hold, teach, and cultivate into a decent human being...

Never once do I remember him/it asking permission to allow that one in a hundred times

occurrence to result in another life...

I didn't ask for the responsibility,

I wasn't ready for the sacrifice of self... of sleep...

I never wanted the diapers, late-night wake-ups, inconvenient interruptions of QT time...

But I've never been happier to rise to the challenge...

fear

I am afraid that death is lurking in the shadows of my nights. Not that I shall fall asleep and never wake up but that some tragic end will befall me in the near future. I've been having dreary ominous dreams that leave my soul disturbed. They shake my spirit like my son shakes me in the mornings, enthusiastically waking me to reality. I may not know of what I write. I may be losing my mind.. It may be those crazy pregnancy dreams people always refer to but I've had these dreams before. I've experienced this predilection  previously in my mortality. Then I was unafraid and felt safe in the assessment that I would never be in a place where these dreams could come true but now through a higher divine will; I am. And so I am afraid, as never before... 

WOW!!

How to Start Forming Dreadlocks -- powered by ExpertVillage.com

Recently I was brushing up on dreading techniques and came across this video of how to dread one's hair. Originally I thought "how wonderful and helpful"... but then I watched it.. Turns out to be a caucasian lady instructing people on how to dread caucasian hair... LOL!! Don't get me wrong, dreads are not a hairstyle restricted to the black race/culture, I just found it amusing that the only video I found (as well as the majority of articles) were for dreading caucasian hair... WTF? Why is that? Is it just assumed that all black people know how to dread hair? Is it supposed to be some type of sixth sense with us? Being that I had dreads at one time, I should know how to begin them, but it was so long ago I can't really remember how, thus my brush-up search.  I 'm used to maintaining dreads just not beginning them. I just find it disappointing  when  I'm looking for one thing but  primarily find info that is useless...