past to present...

I used to write to free my soul of the deamons stalking me... threatening to take over my mind with their malicious plans of gratutious malevolence and ill will... I used to drown my sorrow in bottles and bags, chasing a fleeting moment of clarity... I used to find self-justification in the ends, forever ignoring the means to which they were met.. i used to play russian roulette with my heart, believeing i was invincible... I used to be confident, strong willed, focused, courageous, daring, carefree, relentless, and unstopable... I used to be young; I used to be happy... I used to fling my arms wide open at the start of each day and sing to the universe at the overwhelming joy i felt in simply being alive another day.. amazed that I had survived another night...
i don't know what happened to the woman I used to be.. the young vibrant girl that had the future a head of her... endless posibilites and a mind that could envision and navigate through them all... I don't know how a size 2 became a size 8, or how my stmina droped to the level of a 60 yr old... i don't know when my heart warmed and my brain froze...
And I don't know who this woman is writing relentless sorrows across the page... I don't know who this intruder in my body is staring back at me through sad worn eyes in the bathroom mirror...

kiss me again

who do you think you are?

who do you think you are?
disturbung my peace of life
with your mayhem
constant sorrow
consistant struggles
indecision
intentional mistakes
creatie chaos
who do you think you are?..
disturbing my peace of life
with your mayhem
your reluctant acceptance
constant struggle
consistant sorrows
goodbye tomorrows
see you next week,
next month,
maybe next year
call you back later, the girlfriend is here
eating up all my time away from you
so long, so strong
so what?
so who do you think you are...
disturbing my peace of life
with your indecision
your I do, I don't
I will, I won't
I want you but not like that
call before you come
be sure to come around the back
entrance
where no one is around
so what if they hear the sounds?
so what if they see the deed?
so what if you feel my need?
who do you think you are...
with youre secrets and seclusions
self inflicted illusions?
temporary dellusions?
who do you think you are...
disturbing my peace of life with your mayhem
planting seeds of knowledge
of joy
of love
of longevity
of legacy
in my fertile pastures?
just who do you think you are...
disturbing my peace of life with your mayhem?
nobody but my love.

written 12/10/08

Together we are...

Together we are smoke
Individuals of fire and ice
joined by love
smoke
extreme heat suppressed by northern artic winds
or vice versa some claim
or perhaps no suppression at all
just pure freedom to spread
the fury we held within us
Smoke preads faster than fire engulfing all it encounters
consuming the entirety of the oxygen supply
making it harder and harder to breathe
I willfully enhale deep and full breaths
no greater desire than to be entoxicated by these fumes of passion
a high too great to want to let go of
hoping i never fall,
only float
together
with you.